neighsaying | inbox | labyrinthum

[ he hums into the kiss, pleased. ]

I'm sold.

[ He kisses Dolph again, then pulls back a little to nudge him to start moving. ]

They should have installed jetpacks in you.

[ It's a teasing grumble as he starts walking them towards the portal. He doesn't have a place in Stellari, and like hell is he going to take Dolph back to the kitchen to hook up. There's TWO perfectly serviceable living locations in Visium. ]

[ dolph hums. ]

I never used them. It was easier just to jump off buildings.

[ which would probably kill anyone else, but hey. he is a super soldier. still. jean brings up something that had been percolating in dolph's mind. ]

I was thinking of getting a place in Lumindea anyway.

You sound like Levi, saying that.

[ The most direct route is a line, etc. At Dolph's comment, though, Jean tilts his head. ]

For our house? Or for upgrading from the tree house.

[ There's still a lot about the nebulous future home they haven't settled on, other than that they do want it. There's the option of having it on the farmland, or perhaps Dolph has decided he wants the space of Lumindea. ]

[ dolph hesitates. not out of apprehension or uncertainty. after talking to eren, he feels he finally has an idea. no, not an idea.

an understanding. ]

For our house.

[ a beat. and then he shakes his head slowly. ]

For my house.

[ the ownership around that word fizzles like a lit firecracker on his tongue. will jean understand? he's not sure. he just has to keep going. ]

Eren and you — Everyone has their own definition of home. Of what it means. And I realized that . . . I want to find my own definition. I don't want it to be Eren's or yours. It has a place for both of you. For all the people I love.

But I want it to be mine.

[ he lets that settle before replying, ducking his head. ]

I mean. I still want the things we planned. The sunflowers. The bar. All of it. I just — [ he trails off. ] — I want to try this.

Edited 2025-02-08 12:51 (UTC)

[ Dolph so, so rarely asserts ownership over anything that hearing my house makes Jean slow down. He makes sure he's looking at Dolph, listening to him carefully. As he speaks, there's a small smile on his lips, and open affection on his face.

It's a surprise, to be sure. It's not a bad one, and Jean thinks he understands what Dolph needs here. ]

Okay.

[ He smiles, turning to take both of Dolph's hands in his. ]

I mean - you should absolutely have that. Something that's all yours, that you get to figure out what to do with.

Thank you for leaving space for me, but it's yours. I want you to find what home means to you.

Edited 2025-02-09 07:21 (UTC)

[ even though jean has always understood, has always been graceful, has always taken his time with dolph even when it was painful, this moment of acceptance hits him straight in the chest and his breathing stops short. his eye even stings, overcome.

because saying mine and not being shot down . . . when has that ever been true?

his shoulders shake momentarily as dolph bows his head at the weight of it. no, the freedom of it that has stolen his senses. he brings jean's hands up and presses a kiss to his knuckles before pressing them close to his heart. there's more he wants to say but his throat's all choked up. so he can only manage. ]

I'll find it. But you are — You are all my love.

Hey...

[ Jean's smile goes soft and intimate, even though they're still technically in public. He presses his fingertips against Dolph's chest, feeling his heart beat through the shirt he's wearing.

Dolph had to be strong because he had no other choice. For how tall and broad he is, he carries a heavy weight. Jean can only hope that this lets him start to make the load lighter. See the kind of person he already is, kind and loving, trying even when the world has beaten him down.

And Jean will be there when it's too much, to help him. ]

I love you, too. I'll always love you. That's - [ He so rarely says this. He knows what it means. ]

That's a promise. Even when I'm gone, my bones will remember the shape of you.

[ a promise. to be loved. he's loved. somehow, somehow, despite it all, he's found it. the love he wanted for so long. that he was denied so brutally that it felt like a myth. a joke. and he was the punchline, every time.

he's shied away from promises. even though he's gotten better, he's never truly asked for them. he doesn't want to use them as bonds or platitudes. after all, who is more cognizant of choice than dolph laserhawk?

he shakes his head for a moment before tucking it against jean, slipping his arms around him. ]

No.

[ not bones. as romantic as it is. as meaningful as it can be. all he can think is alex, a hole in his chest, that last lingering smile and — no. ]

I rather that . . . even if you forget everything else about me, that you remember the love.

[ I'd rather that you remember the love.

Jean exhales softly, arms coming up to wrap around Dolph in turn. ]

All right.

I'll always remember that I love you, Dolph Laserhawk. You're the choice I make here. And one day, I hope you show me what your idea of home is.

[ dolph shudders against him, his arms wrapped tight. his voice still sounds hoarse and cracked along the seams. he has so much now. he can carry so much in his arms. he never thought he could ever have this much in his life before. ]

Yeah. We'll find it out together.

[ Jean kisses Dolph after a moment, so he doesn't have to keep talking. Anything he wants to tell him now - he's not going to need words to express it.

At least, once they make it through that damn portal. ]

[They've laid here before, under different stars. The smoldering remains of a fire fill the air with wood smoke, and it's cold, but Eren's warm. Jean is wrapped up in his arms, a blanket tucked around the both of them. Eren might have thought about something like this around other fires, at other campsites. He wishes he and Jean had known how to love each other back then.

[Eren is all affection. It wells up in him like a wave and crashes over. He kisses the top of Jean's head, then rests his cheek there. His hands move up and down the other man's arms, as if to keep him warm.

[They must have their happiness too. Eren wants to feel it. Eren wants to know it's real.]

[ They rode out as far as they wanted to with Elke and Buchwald, who are tethered to some nearby trees with their sleeping blankets thrown over them. Jean brought enough ingredients to make a small batch of stew.

He realizes that's what the stew is missing a lot of the time; the smokey flavor you can't quite recreate when its made out over an open fire. They shared it and crusty bread for dinner; a meal they've had dozens of times in another world and under different circumstances.

What's different now is getting to cuddle together, their rolls pushed together under them, the blanket and Eren's body heat keeping them both warm. Jean smiles at the kisses, at the hands running up and down the jacket he's wearing.

He catches a hand, lifting it to press a kiss to his fingertips, to his palm; he doesn't want to turn his head and dislodge Eren. ]

Remember when we slept back to back during our first training mission?

['Remember' always seems to bring a memory with it. He can picture he and Jean, pressed stubbornly back-to-back, likely freezing, too proud to turn around and entangle.

[He thinks he can remember it...]

I've always been the type to hold onto someone if they're sleeping nearby. I was annoyed you wouldn't turn around first.

And I told myself no matter how cold I was, I wasn't going to turn around first either.

[ Jean smiles. ]

When I woke up, we were hugging anyway. I realized it was nice, and then I got angry at myself for thinking it.

[ They were hopeless, as younger teenagers. Jean probably woke Eren up by yelling at him. ]

[Eren pictures himself yelling until Jean woke up. He presses another one-two-three kisses against his crown. He loves him desperately.]

We woke up a few times like that.

I trusted you.

I did too. I wouldn't have admitted it back then, but I did.

[ He leans back into Eren, finally tilting his head to kiss Eren's chin.

He could tell him how much disbelief he had when he heard Eren had 'died' on their very first mission in Trost. How it hadn't felt real, how angry he'd been at the men in charge for not helping them.

He goes for a different thought. ]

I still trust you.

[ It's okay if Eren doesn't trust him; Jean feels like he has a good idea of what Eren will do, where he stands. Even if they stand at opposites. ]

[Eren would have preferred Jean talk about his "death" in Trost. He can still talk about things like that. Violence is easy. Trust is trickier.

[He does trust Jean. He trusts Jean in ways that he can't trust anyone else, because Jean is one of His. He never abandoned Eren. He kept on chasing him, just like all the others.

[Jean has no reason to trust him. He shouldn't have back home, and he shouldn't here. Eren can't be trusted, and he knows this. They all know it, but they just can't help themselves. It's sickening...

[He doesn't know what to say. Grief sits heavy in his throat. He wants to be someone Jean can trust. He isn't.]

I want what's best for you. [He can promise that. It's always been true.]

I'll protect you. I always will.

[ Jean takes the moment of silence well, at least; his assumption is that Eren can't quite trust him because of everything that's happened, but he's okay with that. He just leans against Eren, happy to be together right now.

I want what's best for you.

Jean knows that's true, even if what Eren thinks is best isn't always Jean's version of it. ]

I know you will.

[ He kisses his jaw again. ]

I've got your back, no matter what.

[ Does Eren really need his protection? Yes, and no, in some ways. Jean will always be there regardless. ]

[Eren can't quite nod, positioned the way they are. He slinks down so he can press his face up against Jean's instead, snuggling in close. He hooks his chin over the man's shoulder, closing his eyes.]

Back then...I wanted you to be my friend. We weren't, really. Not for a while.

No, we weren't. But we eventually did become friends.

I would have said it was after Trost, but I think it was before then, too. We just didn't realize the kind of friendship we had. I didn't realize what you'd been through.

[ The titans, losing his mother. Losing Marco wasn't the same, but it did force the honest change in Jean's personality that let them become friends officially. ]

I'm not sure if I realized we were friends even then.

[Eren always struggled to make friends. Armin was an outlier, and Mikasa arrived under some very particular circumstances. When it comes to the cadets he trained with - his dear friends, whom he loves more than anything - he really can't pinpoint the day that he realized they weren't just tolerating him.

[It must have happened at some point. With memories of this place in between, and memories of a thousand other paths beyond that, it's difficult to tell.]

Even once we showed up here, things had changed so much. We couldn't really be friends then, either...

That was a strange time. I didn't like feeling so far away from you.

[ It's hard for Jean, even with only one set of memories, to pinpoint it either. When did Armin go from annoying to valued? When did Sasha and Connie go from twerps to beloved friends?

When did his jealousy settle into friendship for Eren, only to realize that he had been jealous of both Mikasa for having Eren, and Eren for having her?

He finds Eren's hand again, and threads their fingers together as he speaks. ]

I think I held myself far away from you at first. I thought that I could save you from yourself. I didn't want my feelings for you to influence you, either...

[ It's the first time Jean has admitted that he tried to do that, and that it really was an impossible task, to save Eren. ]

I probably made things harder for you. I'm sorry about that.

[It shouldn't be as heavy as it is. After what Eren and his friends have carried, it should feel like nothing to only have his feelings hurt.

[But it did hurt. It hurt for Jean and Mikasa to distance themselves. It hurt not to understand. It hurt to know that he hurt them, that he would hurt them, that there was nothing anyone could do to stop them from getting hurt, and that they themselves pleaded with Eren not to let it happen again...

[He was always destined to disappoint them. Of course it's heavy.]

It did.

[He's frightened by his own honesty. He trusts Jean. He does.

[And, then again, he doesn't. He wants to. He tries.]

It was harder on you. I know that.

It's selfish...to care about it at all now.

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wrap?

wraps on DIS

mid-february - camping

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