neighsaying | inbox | labyrinthum

Not like that!

[ Mikasa is almost spitting fire, filled with anger and hurt, almost at the point of pushing beyond Jean and going there herself. Maybe she’ll get lucky and he’ll be alone - or she’ll be even luckier and Levi will be there to fight her. ]

He wasn’t there. He has no idea what it was like to…

[ To see what Eren became. To have to be the one to stop him. She did. Jean did.

Her hand lifts to cover her mouth, as if she might lose what’s in her stomach. ]

[ She's close enough that he expects her to try and shove past him; he raises his hands, prepared to catch her. As hilariously outclassed as he might be, he'd still do it to stop her.

Instead, when she raises her hand, he moves them to her arms, to hold her in place. ]

To kill him.

[ Jean dealt the blow to the Titan's head. Mikasa dealt the final blow to Eren's body, ending it for good.

He also knows Erwin has watched people he cares about die. He knows he has. Maybe Erwin hasn't held the blade, but it's not as if he doesn't care. He doesn't tell Mikasa that. But it's how Jean understands and rationalizes it. ]

Then why couldn't we tell him, Mikasa?

[ They'd never even formally agreed on it. They just hadn't told him the truth and held it to their chests. And kept not telling him every morning when they woke up with him sprawled across them both. ]

Edited 2023-12-13 21:33 (UTC)

[ The touch of his hands grounds her a little, dragging her back to the present. Her head lifts up to look at Jean again, and she hates the empathy she sees in him, bristling around the edges. That way he has of understanding people, of trying to see through their eyes.

It isn’t something she can do. Mikasa accepting being a soldier, being the one to carry the blade, to fight. To protect the people closest to her. And where did it get her?

Alone. Mourning. Prepared to watch the world change around her.

She has to force herself to breathe out slowly. ]

We weren’t ready. He wasn’t ready. It wasn’t that long ago, Jean!

[ Weeks. When she closes her eyes, she can still smell the blood, hear the shaking of the earth, feel the weight of her blades in her hands. She can’t escape it. ]

He told me he'd kill everyone to keep us safe!

[ It bursts out of Jean, angry and resentful - not at her, not at Eren, not even at himself. At the knowledge that something like that has existed in Eren as long as he's known him. Maybe longer.

Maybe since he was born. ]

Today. He told me that today. Before Commander Erwin talked to him.

[ To be fair, he also apologized and said he wouldn't, and Jean believed him. There's always been something there, though, and he's been pretending he hasn't seen it since they arrived. ]

I wasn't ready. I didn't want to think about it. If I stop and think, Mikasa, I can't -

[ He cuts himself off. Breathes. He's probably holding her a little too tight now and he very deliberately unclenches his hands against her arms. ]

He deserved to know, even if we weren't ready. Erwin did it for us instead.

And when did that become his right?

[ Mikasa reaches out to take Jean's hand in her own, squeezing it. If she still had her natural strength, it might be close to bone breaking - as it stands, now? It's just strong. Intense. ]

Do you know what Eren is thinking now? Do you know the kind of things going on in his head? If we'd had time, a chance - Captain Levi promised he'd be careful about it and I could tell Eren what I did. We're the ones that worked together to stop him, to kill him - don't we deserve the chance to explain it to him, too?

[ A sob catches in her throat, and she squeezes his hand just that little bit more. ]

He was happy, for just a moment. So was I. And now...

[ Now he wishes they'd kill him. Are glad that they did. Now Eren has fallen into the trap of sadness, of despair, and she doesn't think she can save him. ]

Erwin deserves to know how angry I am.

[ It still hurts, when she grips his hand in her strong ones, but he bears it - if he can't bear this for her, what right does he have to fight her about this?

She's not even necessarily wrong - they're just of two different schools of thought on the matter. He also didn't know Levi promised he'd be careful, but he thinks that makes sense. It hurt Levi to see what Eren had become, too. ]

I know he's not doing okay. I know. It's bad.

[ He thinks he's a monster. He is. But he's Jean and Mikasa's monster, and that matters to Jean himself more than anything. ]

We still have a chance to be.

[ Naïve, maybe. Can they be happy now that Eren knows the extremes he'll go to? ]

You can tell him, but not now; give it time. A day. I know you're angry.

[ She's a creature of action, like he is. But he knows if she goes now none of the real reasons Erwin did this will reach her. ]

Edited 2023-12-13 22:33 (UTC)

[ The idea of stopping herself from charging off and giving in to her anger isn't necessarily the kind of person she is; she might have given into that once, when she was younger, when impulse control was harder, with less training under her belt and less understanding about the world. There was a time when she would've snapped without hesitation - like fighting Levi for Armin's safety, no thoughts of what he might do to her.

If it was someone other than Jean - if Levi or Hange were speaking to her now - she wouldn't listen, cotton in her ears. Jean is the person here who empathises the most, who understands the turmoil in her, and some of the anger slips out of her hands before she can grasp hold of it.

Crumpling a little, she leans forward, shoulders shaking as she breathes. She still wants to tear Erwin apart, but above that are the tears.

It feels as though she simply cannot stop crying. ]

... Will you come? If he say something to make me angry...

[ She will fight Erwin and not even the threat of Levi Ackerman could stop her. ]

[ Unlike before, he doesn't wrap her in a hug. This time he understands how fragile a thing her anger and grief are. She needs to cry. Like Jean, she also needs to keep it together.

This time, if he holds her, she might really break apart, and he'll have two people to put back together.

He gets his hand back and puts his hands on her shoulders, squeezing them reassuringly. He holds her that way, lets her rest her head against his chest if she needs, the same way he let Eren scream himself hoarse against it in grief. ]

I'll come. I want to hear what he has to say for himself as well.

[ Jean is pretty sure he knows what it'll be, but he hasn't talked to Erwin yet either. It's the only hint she's getting of their shared anger, although his is as always tinged with grief.

But they're not going now. Later. ]

Edited 2023-12-13 22:58 (UTC)

[ The anger is still there, burning bright and making her angry, frustrated, but Jean is soothing the edge of the blame. Rather than wanting to go and throttle their former commander, Mikasa has decided she would settle on hitting him, which is at least a little better.

She's fighting herself now, to stop the tears coming. She refuses to let them fall, to keep crying. She cannot let herself fall apart because of someone else's idiocy.

Head resting on Jean's chest, she breathes in and out, the sound laboured, tortured. ]

It's not fair.

[ Why can't they just be happy? ]

[ He shifts one hand to brush through her hair - it's something he's done with Eren, too. Lets the silky strands of her hair glide between his fingers, letting his palm stroke over the crown of her head. ]

It isn't. None of what's happened is.

[ He doesn't just mean here, he means at home, too, even if that was Eren's wish in the end. He wishes they could just be happy. That he wouldn't have to worry about what happens next, or what fight they'll have to endure. ]

[ The touch is comforting, just enough that Mikasa can accept it without flinching away. There are so few people she trusts to get this close, and Jean... He's right there, near the top. ]

I don't want to keep going this.

[ Remembering it, reliving it, explaining it. What if someone else comes and they have to share it all? She's supposed to be the strongest, but she isn't, not really. ]

[ He knows Mikasa is touch averse - or touch averse in a way because she needs to hold herself together, and being soft would make it harder to do that. Jean's always been someone to rely on physical reassurance, now - blame Reiner during their cadet days for entrenching the value of a hand on an arm or shoulder - so he has to balance that with her.

He's always paid attention to what she allows and doesn't. ]

You don't have to.

[ He resolves if someone does show up, he'll break open his chest to explain it this time. ]

The cat's out of the bag, now. We just have to make sure he's okay, and be there for him.

[ It should surprise her, how well Jean knows her, but she doesn't dwell on it. Of course he knows her, after all the years they've spent together, and all she can do is nod her head as he speaks, agreeing as she tries to find her voice again. ]

Okay.

[ Nodding her head, she gazes down at the ground. ]

We'll deal with it tomorrow.

We will.

[ He doesn't add a cheeky 'no putting it off', but she won't do it alone. Now, he moves his hand back to her shoulder, giving it a squeeze. ]

Come and help me with dinner. We'll see if I can make something to perk him up.

[ Probably not, but Jean has to try. ]

Edited 2023-12-16 04:01 (UTC)

We should try to make some more potatoes, and some beef. He likes those.

[ Simple, easy foods, the kind that might remind them of home and their childhood. Would that be a bad thing right now...? She's not sure. ]

Let's go.

[ It doesn't sound like a bad idea to Jean. It'll also be easy to make and save (and to steal portions of to shove at another Titan shifter). ]

Should still have plenty of that from our market trip.

[ And off they go to the kitchen. ]

inbox | labyrinthum

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

would you like to wrap, or have kitchen times