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I'm really tired, Eren.

[ That doesn't answer anything! Good job Jean! ]

Then come back and go to bed, stupid.

Edited (we don't use the word home anymore) 2023-12-12 07:13 (UTC)

[It's a half-shocked sound - the hitch of a sob as Eren's pulled against Jean's chest. His arms go around the older boy, clinging without his permission. His hands are shaking. The world is crumbling all around him, and all there is to hold onto right now is this, his old friend - his real friend.]

Shit, Jean. [Eren gasps it into the other boy's shoulder, burying his face there.]

He was my friend, he-- Sh-shit...

I can't. I'm upset. I don't want to come home when I'm like this.

[ So the solution is not to come back right now. ]

You can't just stay out all night like that either.

[He should say he's sorry. He knows he should...]

We're friends, aren't we? I didn't mean what I said about being on different sides.

We're not.

[They're not. They can't be...]

Eren.

[ He sounds like he's outside. There's the sound of waves in the background, which is about Eren's only clue about where he might be. ]

I don't want you to kill everyone for me.

[ But he knows you will. ]

[ Jean just holds him as tight as he can. There's guilt mixed into the action - guilt about what he's told Eren, of course. Guilt about Eren's future actions and what Jean could have, should have done to prevent it.

Right now, though, none of that matters. He can be a rock, and he can shoulder this grief. Just for a while. ]

I know. He was mine too. He took so much from us.

[ God, more than Eren knows. Can he ever tell him, that it was Reiner and Annie who took Marco from them? ]

[His voice, for Eren, is quiet.]

I didn’t mean that…

[At the time, he had, maybe. Maybe he still does somewhere deep down. But it’s a ludicrous idea. Kill everyone? There’d have to be a damn good reason…]

I wouldn’t. I won’t.

You did, a little.

[ He knows that, intrinsically. This is probably the closest he'll ever get to telling Eren what happened. ]

There's a part of me that would let you.

[ Another truth; he came so close to letting it happen. ]

But I don't want us to be those people.

I want to save humanity, Jean.

[There’s a pause. Eren listens to the sounds of water on the other end of the receiver.]

All I want is our freedom. It’s our birthright. It’s what we deserve…

[ There's the path to the argument they just had. Who counts as humanity. What does freedom mean to Eren. Jean is just too tired to have the fight again, though. ]

I know.

[ He sounds defeated. There's more quiet, the sound of the ocean. He doesn't know why he came here. It's always been Armin's thing. Maybe he's missing Armin right now, too. ]

This shit was easier when it was just Titans and us.

Tell me about it…

Where…are you right now?

I'm down at the beach. Where the bonfires were.

[Where it all began. For whatever reason, it's shame that tugs at Eren's heart when Jean says that.]

Come back, Jean.

I'm sorry, okay?

[ Jean doesn't respond. Probably just long enough to cause Eren a little bit of anxiety about what Jean is doing but then -

The front door opens, and Jean steps inside the cottage some ten-ish minutes later. He looks sad and tired, and he's trying to brush sand out of his shoes, but he is, actually, back at the cottage, as Eren requested. ]

[Eren's been waiting. Mikasa isn't there just yet. Sitting alone in the dark has been gnawing at him for hours.

[He stands up from where he'd been sitting on the ground, blanket it hand. He hands it to Jean without a word.]

I was so stupid. [Stupid for trusting Reiner, stupid for idolizig him, stupid for loving him; stupid for thinking that the only enemies were titans, that friends could never destroy each other.]

[ 'Mikasa' was worried about him, huh? He doesn't call it out, of course; Jean has actually learned some tact.

Eren hands him the blanket, and Jean takes it. For a moment he looks at it, then he drapes it over his own shoulders. Once he's done so, he reaches out to Eren with the blanket over his arms, and wraps him up into a hug that includes the blanket around both of them.

They're just standing in the doorway but whatever. ]

I'm not - I don't want to tell you what happens because it's hard to talk about, and it hurts. It's not that I don't want you to know or that you don't deserve to know.

[Once upon a time, Eren might have reeled away from an embrace like this; that's not the case anymore. He lets Jean wrap the blanket around him, and leans in, pressing his forehead into the man's shoulder.]

Yeah. I know.

You've told me that before...

It's still not fair to you. I'm sorry.

[ There, now they both actually apologized like adults and didn't have to use croissants to do it. Jean seems content to be a blanket ghost holding Eren for the time being, like the blanket can actually block out the worst of what's going on. ]

You didn't know.

[ And it was Jean's fault he did know now, he supposes, but he thinks this is better than Eren finding out later, that everyone had lied to him about who Reiner was. He'd never forgive them at that point.

He reaches up and runs a hand through Eren's short, shaggy hair, trying to comfort him. ]

You wanna sit down - or lay down or whatever?

[Not quite.

[Eren is quiet for a long few minutes, head still pressed into Jean's shoulder. He keeps his eyes closed, listening to the older boy's breathing, trying to will away everything that's in his head.

[But he can't.

[When he speaks again, all the warmth in his tone has evaporated. It's an empty, hollow sound; eerily similar to how he'll sound in four years.]

As it turns out...I really am a monster, aren't I, Jean?

[ He wishes. He really wishes it was as simple as letting the blanket hold them both, to keep terrible information away from Eren.

I really am a monster, aren't I?

Jean hasn't looked at the post since he abandoned the conversation. He doesn't know that Erwin had a pointed and public discussion less than an hour ago that ended with an invitation to Erwin, Levi and Hange's house.

He swallows. ]

What makes you say that? You're talking weird.

[ He doesn't say 'no'. ]

Ha...[It's a humorless sound. Eren still doesn't move an inch.]

That's okay, Jean. Don't pretend you don't know.

I do.

What?

[ Jean's voice is hushed. Mostly because he doesn't want to believe that Eren knows. What he did.

Who told him? It wouldn't have been Reiner, or Mikasa - it leaves one of the older Survey Corps members. ]

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side note for later tai: jean took longer to come home than the ten mins alleged earlier

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