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[neighsaying]

INBOX (UN: OMNIDIRECTIONAL) text / audio / video / action This is Jean. Leave a message, and I'll reach back out when I'm available. [ Previously was thunderspear ] code credit

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[neighsaying]

I'm down at the beach. Where the bonfires were.

[wintolive]

[Where it all began. For whatever reason, it's shame that tugs at Eren's heart when Jean says that.]

Come back, Jean.

I'm sorry, okay?

> action

[neighsaying]

[ Jean doesn't respond. Probably just long enough to cause Eren a little bit of anxiety about what Jean is doing but then -

The front door opens, and Jean steps inside the cottage some ten-ish minutes later. He looks sad and tired, and he's trying to brush sand out of his shoes, but he is, actually, back at the cottage, as Eren requested. ]

[wintolive]

[Eren's been waiting. Mikasa isn't there just yet. Sitting alone in the dark has been gnawing at him for hours.

[He stands up from where he'd been sitting on the ground, blanket it hand. He hands it to Jean without a word.]

[neighsaying]

[ 'Mikasa' was worried about him, huh? He doesn't call it out, of course; Jean has actually learned some tact.

Eren hands him the blanket, and Jean takes it. For a moment he looks at it, then he drapes it over his own shoulders. Once he's done so, he reaches out to Eren with the blanket over his arms, and wraps him up into a hug that includes the blanket around both of them.

They're just standing in the doorway but whatever. ]

I'm not - I don't want to tell you what happens because it's hard to talk about, and it hurts. It's not that I don't want you to know or that you don't deserve to know.

[wintolive]

[Once upon a time, Eren might have reeled away from an embrace like this; that's not the case anymore. He lets Jean wrap the blanket around him, and leans in, pressing his forehead into the man's shoulder.]

Yeah. I know.

You've told me that before...

[neighsaying]

It's still not fair to you. I'm sorry.

[ There, now they both actually apologized like adults and didn't have to use croissants to do it. Jean seems content to be a blanket ghost holding Eren for the time being, like the blanket can actually block out the worst of what's going on. ]

[wintolive]

[Not quite.

[Eren is quiet for a long few minutes, head still pressed into Jean's shoulder. He keeps his eyes closed, listening to the older boy's breathing, trying to will away everything that's in his head.

[But he can't.

[When he speaks again, all the warmth in his tone has evaporated. It's an empty, hollow sound; eerily similar to how he'll sound in four years.]

As it turns out...I really am a monster, aren't I, Jean?

side note for later tai: jean took longer to come home than the ten mins alleged earlier

[neighsaying]

[ He wishes. He really wishes it was as simple as letting the blanket hold them both, to keep terrible information away from Eren.

I really am a monster, aren't I?

Jean hasn't looked at the post since he abandoned the conversation. He doesn't know that Erwin had a pointed and public discussion less than an hour ago that ended with an invitation to Erwin, Levi and Hange's house.

He swallows. ]

What makes you say that? You're talking weird.

[ He doesn't say 'no'. ]

[wintolive]

Ha...[It's a humorless sound. Eren still doesn't move an inch.]

That's okay, Jean. Don't pretend you don't know.

I do.

[neighsaying]

What?

[ Jean's voice is hushed. Mostly because he doesn't want to believe that Eren knows. What he did.

Who told him? It wouldn't have been Reiner, or Mikasa - it leaves one of the older Survey Corps members. ]

[wintolive]

[Eren continues, just as hollow as before.]

It makes sense you wouldn't want to tell me.

I heard it was all of you that had to stop me. Sorry about that. [The apology may, one day, be genuine; right now, it's empty.]

[neighsaying]

[ Jean moves, but it's probably not the way Eren is expecting.

He doesn't pull away, or move to hurt him. Instead he shifts and picks Eren up - one hand under his legs, the other against his back - and carries him to the floor where they always end up sleeping. There's a couch there, that they've pushed out of the way most nights; too big for two, too small for three.

He sits down. He holds Eren in his lap, doesn't let him squirm out of the hold, with the blanket still over both of them. ]

Don't apologize.

[wintolive]

[It's enough to shock Eren out of his stupor, his eyes going slightly wide as strong arms lift him into the air. Reflexively, he clings to Jean - and he doesn't stop, even once the reflex fades. Nails dig into Jean's back, Eren curling in further on himself, biting down on his lip as Jean holds him in his lap.

[He has to stop breaking down like this. He has to. He can't take it anymore.]

Hate me. Please. Just hate me.

[neighsaying]

No.

[ Eren curls further in on himself and Jean keeps his arms around them both, squeezing a little tighter. ]

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm disappointed and if you call me a dad again I'll push you off.

[ He won't. It's a poor attempt at levity. ]

I don't hate you. I've never hated you.

[wintolive]

[Eren does not sob. He will not sob. He will pull himself up by his goddamn britches and act like a fucking soldier. He will not cry.

[So, instead, he screams. He buries his face as deeply against Jean's chest as he can, and he just screams - screams, and screams, and screams until his throat is torn open with it.]

[neighsaying]

[ It's loud. It hurts Jean's ears, even muffled against his chest. It's probably alarming the neighbors to some degree.

Jean lets him scream into his chest. He starts brushing a hand through his hair. He closes his eyes and just bears it. As much as Eren will let him. ]

[wintolive]

[Maybe Eren should be crying. Maybe that would ease his mind, allow him some relief. Instead, he screams until he starts laughing, body shaking in Jean's embrace.]

None of it matters!

Humanity. Freedom. I-it was all for nothing, huh Jean? In the end, I'm just an idiot who can't change anything. It's funny, right? It's--

[Finally, a choke in his voice, the threat of a sob. He deflates against Jean's chest, fingers clinging ever tighter.]

A-and you won't...you won't even let me say I'm sorry? I don't deserve it, right? I don't...

[neighsaying]

No. Shut the fuck up.

[ Jean's tone might be harsh but he keeps his hold on Eren, even as he laughs, as he finally deflates and clings to Jean. ]

You don't have anything to apologize to me for.

[ To the world? Yeah. He'll give Eren that. ]

Especially not here. You promised, remember? You promised me you didn't want to hurt anyone. I said let's not be those people here.

kinda handwaving that at some point eren was told not to hurt reiner

[wintolive]

I don't.

[His voice is desperate.

[He wants to hurt Vaeros for all he's done, sure. He wanted to hurt Reiner, though now he feels like the true enemy (and he's as much as agreed that he wouldn't).]

Not everyone. Goddammit, I was supposed to save them.

oh yeah probably in the other hug thread

[neighsaying]

It wasn't supposed to be just you. You know that, right? Fuck that Humanity's only hope bullshit, I should have kicked whoever said that in the balls.

[ Because who tells a fifteen year old that!! ]

You're not that Eren. You can just be ours. Mikasa's Eren.

[wintolive]

I am that Eren. [Grief. That's what his voice carries now. Overwhelming grief.]

It's already happened. You saw it.

[neighsaying]

You still have a chance.

[ Jean's voice breaks, a little bit, when he says that. ]

You haven't made those decisions yet. And even if you are the same, I don't care.

[wintolive]

[This cognitive dissonance is only a taste of what he'll experience in the future; a life where time is both all at once and not at all. He hasn't made those decisions yet here. Back home, most of humanity has been crushed. Jean knows that. If they ever leave this place, that's what he'll be going back to.

[Suddenly, Eren doesn't want to go home as badly. Eren doesn't want to go home at all.]

We can't leave this place. Not ever. Not ever, Jean. Promise me.

[neighsaying]

[ For the first time, Jean lies.

It's a lie of omission, of course; they can't control when they arrive and when they leave, short of fulfilling that wish. He knows they can't; he's read enough about it now.

Instead, he holds Eren tighter. ]

We won't. We can stay here, forever.

[ In truth, neither of them might believe it. But it's a nice lie. ]