neighsaying | inbox | labyrinthum

We did. I was - I've been giving him some of our leftovers. He noticed I looked upset and we talked, since I was worried about you.

I didn't tell you because I thought you'd be upset.

[ He doesn't apologize because while he knows that's a secret he kept from Eren, he kept it for a good reason, and he won't stop even if Eren is upset. ]

I think there are some things about ourselves we can never change. But no person is the same as they've been born into the world. Even back at your age - we're not the same as when we first met, right? He would never have joined the Scouts.

So people can change. And I believe in you doing that. Just like he does.

Sure. Give me a minute.

[ He assumes she means the jacket, that she wants him to try on. But he goes the whole length, putting on the scarf and gloves as well. It first perfectly, and probably a little more flatteringly than his actual uniform jacket; he loves it all the same, smiling behind the scarf.

He knocks on her door once he's dressed, to warn her, but lets himself inside. ]

Mikasa?

[ She’s lounging on her bed when he shows up, in a vest and trousers - clearly just finished with working out and cleaning up afterward. Her eyes widen at him wearing everything, and her lips just about curl into a smile.

He does look good. The way she can’t stop looking might hint at that. ]

You didn’t need to wear it all.

[ Pushing herself up and off the bed, she steps closer. ]

I picked a good colour.

I have to show off the whole set, don't I?

[ He reaches up and tugs the scarf down a little so she can see his smile, then rests said hand on his hip. They're the first gifts she's given him, when he honestly hadn't expected anything more than a thank you, and he's delighted beyond words.

Not that he won't try for them. ]

They're very good. Green and blue seem to flatter me.

[ Blue flatters her, too, it's why he'd chosen that color. He looks down at her as she steps closer. She looks clean and flush the energy from a workout, and he grins. Still, he can't help asking - ]

The necklace was okay?

It was perfect.

[ Mikasa wasn’t going to risk it while she was doing something so physical, so it’s tucked away carefully to make sure that nothing happens to it. The reminder of Armin could’ve been enough to hurt if she wasn’t in a small bubble of happiness right now.

She wonders what he’d make of this place, being trapped again, but having somewhere to explore. There are so many books to read as well… She thinks a part of him would love it.

Reaching out, her fingers brush against Jean’s gently. ]

It made me happy. All of it.

[ He's not worried that she's not wearing it - it's obvious she was exercising. He also knew people in the scouts who would literally take off their wedding rings, if they were married, on missions. In part to not lose them; in part so if they died, their spouse would have something to hold onto.

Jean handed over enough rings, is what he's saying.

He misses Armin too, because Armin is smart, and Jean feels like their friendship borne of responsibility has kept him on an even keel he lacks here. But he wouldn't want to drag Armin here, necessarily, either.

Her fingers brush against his, and he turns his hand, pressing his palm against hers and threading their fingers together. He regrets the gloves only because he can't feel her callouses against his. ]

I'm glad. I just want to make you happy.

[ Her and Eren, but this moment is just for her, right now. ]

You are.

[ This is still hard for her. Despite knowing it’s allowed, that they’ve agreed that they’re all together and there’s no secrets, Mikasa still feels a little bit like she’s betraying Eren somehow, as if he’s going to come home and see the two of them together and flip. Maybe he will, angry that he wasn’t included, but isn’t he getting small moments with Jean too?

It makes jealousy bubble inside her, too complicated to unpick. Who is she jealous of now, Jean or Eren?

Maybe if Armin was here she’d have someone to talk to about it all. To help unclutter her mind. It’s not as if she’s going to Levi any time soon for romantic advice.

Her hand squeezes Jean’s gently as she ducks her head, shy with her own longing and uncertainty. She’s not really girlfriend material, with her callouses and her personality and scarring, but maybe that’s okay.

Maybe. ]

I’m happy right now with you.

[ Jean knows to be patient with them. He knows this isn't going to not have its bumps, too - he's never done a relationship like this. But he knows it requires talking - and boy howdy, all three of them can really fuck that up sometimes. Jean has a reputation of being the guy who knows what to say, but he feels sometimes that he's still the fifteen year old who isn't sure what to say. Actions still speak louder than words for him.

He knows both of them care, though. He's used to watching the ways they silently watch over each other, and the ways that extends to him now, too.

Jean didn't fall in love with a fictional Mikasa Ackerman inside his head, though. He fell in love with the woman in front of him, all her shyness, the rough edges, the way she talks without talking at all.

She ducks her head and after a moment, he leans forward to press a kiss to her cheek. Gentle, but sweet. ]

I'm happy when you're happy. I promise.

[ They are doing great at this words thing, though! He tugs on her hand gently, indicating her bed. ]

Um - is it okay if I hold you for a while?

[It bothers him, sure. Of course it does. He doesn't want Reiner talking about him at all, much less with someone he trusts as much as Jean. But he does trust Jean, and that's the only balm here.

[And maybe, after the masquerade, there's a tiny, tiny part of Eren that appreciates Reiner still cares about him. Even if he hates the idea just as much. Conflict swirls in his gut. He wishes things were simple again.]

I don't know what his deal is. He should hate me just as much as I hate him. It doesn't make any goddamn sense.

Mikasa and I don't hate you; he probably feels similarly.

[ He does know Reiner feels similarly; it's hard to explain Reiner's insistence that Eren never be the same as him without the context of the whole future. The fact that Reiner had deduced no one could carry the weight of all that he'd killed, that he'd want someone to stop him and take the founder away, without explaining much more. ]

Sometimes people don't make sense. Sometimes people just are. And like I said, they can change too.

How can he forgive me for all that I've done?

I'll never forgive him. Not ever. I can't.

I don't think he wants you to. I...

[ He can't tell Eren that Reiner and Annie and Bertholdt killed Marco directly, he can't. But he can get around that a little with the fact that they all thought Marco died indirectly by their hands. ]

I did hurt him, in the future, because what he and the others did took Marco from me. I don't forgive them for that. I never can and I never will.

Forgiving him isn't the same as... still interacting and talking to him. Somehow, I think Marco wouldn't want me to keep hating him despite everything.

I know that doesn't explain much, but.. it's the best perspective I can offer.

Edited (lets jean be jealous over his dead bf) 2023-12-23 03:41 (UTC)

[Marco. Eren's chest burns with dull rage. Marco. He's never forgotten that loss - not ever. Hell, from where he's standing, it's still fresh. They weren't close like he and Jean were - no one was close like he and Jean were - but Eren loved him, and love is not a small emotion for Eren Jaeger.

[Still, for all that Jean's saying...]

Marco probably wouldn't want that.

But that doesn't matter to me...

Sorry.

Maybe it's better that it doesn't.

[ Here, now, Jean can acknowledge how profoundly Marco's death fucked him up. Privately, he can admit that it's a wound he kept picking at to remind him of his purpose, a knife he plunged deeper into his guts to justify murder to himself, even if Marco didn't want it.

It's only after he talked to Reiner that he was ever able to remove it. ]

You don't have anything to apologize for. I'm not sorry about feeding Reiner or talking to him, after all.

It's okay if we don't understand why some things are the way they are.

Edited 2023-12-23 03:59 (UTC)

Sure, I guess. But I feel like I don't understand anything anymore.

Anything at all.

Where are you?

The cottage. Just waiting.

[ He didn't hear Eren come in, but then again, he's been laying in bed for a while. He's still not used to it, but he feels like he has to at least get familiar with it eventually.

He opens his door, spotting Eren on the couch. He has the new blanket Mikasa gave him wrapped around his shoulders, because, well. Move over Eren.

Jean sits down next to him, and then hooks an arm around his waist, pulling him into his lap. This is less that he thinks Eren needs it, though; this time, Jean is the one who bends down and tucks his face into Eren's neck, holding him tightly. ]

[Eren's not sure that he'll ever get used to the way Jean pulls him into his arms. Yet again, it surprises him - but he doesn't struggle; in fact, settles almost immediately. When Jean puts his face in the crook of Eren's neck, Eren bring his arms up - one lying over Jean's shoulder so his nails can reach the man's back, the other laying protectively over the nape of his neck. He presses his nose against Jean's head, closing his eyes.

[Jean is wrong. Eren needs this just as much as he does.]

[ Jean knows what it means that Eren curls his hand protectively over the nape of Jean's neck. He wonders if Eren knows - how Reiner does the same thing, like it's something instinctive every Titan shifter gets when they know what they are. The most vulnerable part of themselves in general, and on the titan.

It's why, after Eren does it, Jean shifts a little so he can nudge one arm up along Eren's back until his hand can cup protectively over that same spot. Keeping him safe, even like this. The blanket is warm and comfortable around them. Jean exhales a little, shuddering.

He feels kind of like crying but with Eren close against him - it's enough to keep it at bay. To take some strength from it. ]

[It must be instinctual, somehow; Eren doesn't even notice that he's doing it. When he feels Jean's hand on the nape of his own neck, whatever tension was left in his body eases out, shoulders dropping, a soft breath escaping him.

[He's never been held like this by anyone else. Not really. Cadets shared beds in the barracks; they'd all gotten close before. But no one else has ever pulled Eren into their lap, wrapped their arms around him, sunk into him and stayed.

[Sometimes Eren thinks this must be what falling in love feels like.

[Idly, he scratches at Jean's back, an uncharacteristically light touch.

[He missed him...]

[ Jean's pleased that Eren seems to relax when he does it. It had helped Reiner too, when he'd done it. He lets his thumb brush against the skin on the back his neck in what he hopes is a soothing manner.

It helps, he finds. Eren might be scrawny and fifteen, but he takes his weight easily anyways. Just as pulling Mikasa into his lap had helped with the fact that he couldn't fix everything, this seems to help, too.

He just holds Eren a little tighter. He hopes Eren understands that he's sorry he can't make everything better with just his words. It'll take time, he knows. Eren's always the first to voice his displeasure with something, but rarely the one to accept help with the situation.

He's glad Eren's here. For once, it doesn't feel like he's wishing it was someone taller and broader instead. Maybe what Reiner said really did help Jean, at least.]

[ Mikasa hopes they can appreciate that she is doing her best; she is doing what she can to adjust to this and be content with it. If she really hadn't wanted it she would've said, and none of this would be happening, so she takes comfort in that.

Above all else, she has to allow herself a chance to have it and enjoy it, otherwise... It's something of a waste, when she has Eren here and Jean at her side, two people she never imagined she would have a chance to share her life with. She's still in a state of confused mourning, she thinks, for the Eren she knew compared to the one that's here with her now.

The kiss has her cheeks flushing, warm and soft, before she nods and takes a step back. She's dressed pretty comfortably for lying down, but Jean... ]

You can leave your things on the chair.

[ She doubts he wants to be that close to her while dressed up in gloves and a jacket. He'll overheat.

Carefully, she steps back and sits down, waiting for him to come and join her, eyes glued to him. ]

[ It had taken Reiner of all people to remind Jean that this Eren, for all his similarities, still wasn't the same person they had killed back home. So he's doing his best to remember that now, for both of them. Like Mikasa, he's in a weird state of mourning that older Eren.

He does as instructed, though, nodding in agreement to her. Now, he removes the scarf and gloves, carefully folding them and setting them on the chair, followed by the jacket, also painstakingly folded. It leaves him in what he was wearing before he put them on: a vest and his white dress shirt, and slacks.

With the gifts taken off, he turns and looks at her, noticing the way her eyes are glued to him. He gives her another smile before he comes and sits next to her on the bed, raising a hand to brush some of her hair out of her face.

He's not sure if he should push her down on the bed, or lift her up like he had on the couch. ]

Guess I should ask if you want to lay down or stay sitting up.

[ Better than trying to figure it out while staring at her. ]

Edited 2023-12-23 13:02 (UTC)

[ Mikasa really can't drag her eyes away from him.

It's as if she's just become conscious of the fact that Jean is attractive, and that she's allowed to both think it and accept it in her mind since they are partners now. They've made that agreement with one another, so watching her partner strip down to a vest and slacks is something she's okay with watching - and definitely being called out on watching if his smile is any indication.

Snapped out of her little trance by the hand brushing against her hair, she tilts her head to look up at him, face a little warm. ]

Whatever is more comfortable for you.

[ Either one sounds fine for her... There's a yearning inside of her, to just be held; to feel safe and comforted by being bracketed in someone else's arms. She'll worry about those feelings later. ]

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this becomes a cuddling log

IT'S WHAT THEY DO

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