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We did. I was - I've been giving him some of our leftovers. He noticed I looked upset and we talked, since I was worried about you.

I didn't tell you because I thought you'd be upset.

[ He doesn't apologize because while he knows that's a secret he kept from Eren, he kept it for a good reason, and he won't stop even if Eren is upset. ]

I think there are some things about ourselves we can never change. But no person is the same as they've been born into the world. Even back at your age - we're not the same as when we first met, right? He would never have joined the Scouts.

So people can change. And I believe in you doing that. Just like he does.

[It bothers him, sure. Of course it does. He doesn't want Reiner talking about him at all, much less with someone he trusts as much as Jean. But he does trust Jean, and that's the only balm here.

[And maybe, after the masquerade, there's a tiny, tiny part of Eren that appreciates Reiner still cares about him. Even if he hates the idea just as much. Conflict swirls in his gut. He wishes things were simple again.]

I don't know what his deal is. He should hate me just as much as I hate him. It doesn't make any goddamn sense.

Mikasa and I don't hate you; he probably feels similarly.

[ He does know Reiner feels similarly; it's hard to explain Reiner's insistence that Eren never be the same as him without the context of the whole future. The fact that Reiner had deduced no one could carry the weight of all that he'd killed, that he'd want someone to stop him and take the founder away, without explaining much more. ]

Sometimes people don't make sense. Sometimes people just are. And like I said, they can change too.

How can he forgive me for all that I've done?

I'll never forgive him. Not ever. I can't.

I don't think he wants you to. I...

[ He can't tell Eren that Reiner and Annie and Bertholdt killed Marco directly, he can't. But he can get around that a little with the fact that they all thought Marco died indirectly by their hands. ]

I did hurt him, in the future, because what he and the others did took Marco from me. I don't forgive them for that. I never can and I never will.

Forgiving him isn't the same as... still interacting and talking to him. Somehow, I think Marco wouldn't want me to keep hating him despite everything.

I know that doesn't explain much, but.. it's the best perspective I can offer.

Edited (lets jean be jealous over his dead bf) 2023-12-23 03:41 (UTC)

[Marco. Eren's chest burns with dull rage. Marco. He's never forgotten that loss - not ever. Hell, from where he's standing, it's still fresh. They weren't close like he and Jean were - no one was close like he and Jean were - but Eren loved him, and love is not a small emotion for Eren Jaeger.

[Still, for all that Jean's saying...]

Marco probably wouldn't want that.

But that doesn't matter to me...

Sorry.

Maybe it's better that it doesn't.

[ Here, now, Jean can acknowledge how profoundly Marco's death fucked him up. Privately, he can admit that it's a wound he kept picking at to remind him of his purpose, a knife he plunged deeper into his guts to justify murder to himself, even if Marco didn't want it.

It's only after he talked to Reiner that he was ever able to remove it. ]

You don't have anything to apologize for. I'm not sorry about feeding Reiner or talking to him, after all.

It's okay if we don't understand why some things are the way they are.

Edited 2023-12-23 03:59 (UTC)

Sure, I guess. But I feel like I don't understand anything anymore.

Anything at all.

Where are you?

The cottage. Just waiting.

[ He didn't hear Eren come in, but then again, he's been laying in bed for a while. He's still not used to it, but he feels like he has to at least get familiar with it eventually.

He opens his door, spotting Eren on the couch. He has the new blanket Mikasa gave him wrapped around his shoulders, because, well. Move over Eren.

Jean sits down next to him, and then hooks an arm around his waist, pulling him into his lap. This is less that he thinks Eren needs it, though; this time, Jean is the one who bends down and tucks his face into Eren's neck, holding him tightly. ]

[Eren's not sure that he'll ever get used to the way Jean pulls him into his arms. Yet again, it surprises him - but he doesn't struggle; in fact, settles almost immediately. When Jean puts his face in the crook of Eren's neck, Eren bring his arms up - one lying over Jean's shoulder so his nails can reach the man's back, the other laying protectively over the nape of his neck. He presses his nose against Jean's head, closing his eyes.

[Jean is wrong. Eren needs this just as much as he does.]

[ Jean knows what it means that Eren curls his hand protectively over the nape of Jean's neck. He wonders if Eren knows - how Reiner does the same thing, like it's something instinctive every Titan shifter gets when they know what they are. The most vulnerable part of themselves in general, and on the titan.

It's why, after Eren does it, Jean shifts a little so he can nudge one arm up along Eren's back until his hand can cup protectively over that same spot. Keeping him safe, even like this. The blanket is warm and comfortable around them. Jean exhales a little, shuddering.

He feels kind of like crying but with Eren close against him - it's enough to keep it at bay. To take some strength from it. ]

[It must be instinctual, somehow; Eren doesn't even notice that he's doing it. When he feels Jean's hand on the nape of his own neck, whatever tension was left in his body eases out, shoulders dropping, a soft breath escaping him.

[He's never been held like this by anyone else. Not really. Cadets shared beds in the barracks; they'd all gotten close before. But no one else has ever pulled Eren into their lap, wrapped their arms around him, sunk into him and stayed.

[Sometimes Eren thinks this must be what falling in love feels like.

[Idly, he scratches at Jean's back, an uncharacteristically light touch.

[He missed him...]

[ Jean's pleased that Eren seems to relax when he does it. It had helped Reiner too, when he'd done it. He lets his thumb brush against the skin on the back his neck in what he hopes is a soothing manner.

It helps, he finds. Eren might be scrawny and fifteen, but he takes his weight easily anyways. Just as pulling Mikasa into his lap had helped with the fact that he couldn't fix everything, this seems to help, too.

He just holds Eren a little tighter. He hopes Eren understands that he's sorry he can't make everything better with just his words. It'll take time, he knows. Eren's always the first to voice his displeasure with something, but rarely the one to accept help with the situation.

He's glad Eren's here. For once, it doesn't feel like he's wishing it was someone taller and broader instead. Maybe what Reiner said really did help Jean, at least.]

[If nothing else, Eren understands that Jean cares about him. It's not that he didn't think so before; they've always cared about each other - always. But it's been different lately. How couldn't it be? They're standing from two totally different perspectives. Jean looks at him differently now - and it isn't always a bad thing. Would Eren ever have let him hold him like this if they were still both kids? It's hard to imagine. Jean has become his anchor, his stability - sometimes the only semblance of it that he has left. And Eren clings to that, clings to Jean, tracing soft circles on his back, burying his nose in the older boy's hair. He leaves a small kiss there, not quite realizing it. At times like this, all he can do is follow the natural flow of things.

[It doesn't have to mean anything...]

[ Jean feels the kiss to his hair, and gives a little sigh. It's sweet and he tries not to read into it, but he appreciates receiving it all the same. He keeps one hand on his nape and lets the other brush over his spine, petting him comfortingly.

He'll stay like this as long as Eren lets him hold him. ]

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this becomes a cuddling log

IT'S WHAT THEY DO

action;

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