neighsaying | inbox | labyrinthum

[ Jean reaches up to brush some of her hair out of her face, and then continues the motion, gently stroking her head as he waits for her answer. He's used to it taking a bit for her to gather her thoughts, find the words.

He knows her well enough to discern it was the topic that distressed her. He thinks of Dolph's post and wonders if it was that. ]

Want to talk about it, or have you had enough of that?

[ No judgement. If she wants to just be held, he'll do that. ]

I don't know what to say.

[ Telling Jean might upset him, especially with her own confusion and uncertainty, and the knots in her stomach twist a little. She doesn't want to ruin what they have, and the risk is right there. ]

You can read it, if you want.

Sometimes words are hard.

[ She offers to let him read and that at least makes him pretty sure it has to do with the post. With Mikasa having to be the one to kill Eren, and how that broke her. ]

... I don't think I need to.

[ Softer, gentler, and without anger: ]

You miss him.

I don't know.

[ Mikasa blinks, forcing herself to push the tears away, even as they gather there. She wants to break, but she can't. Isn't she happy here? Isn't she content?

What reason does she have to be upset? ]

It isn't fair.

It isn't.

[ She could be happy and content and she'd still have to wrestle with her grief and trauma. Jean at least understands that, and though he knows it's different than hers, he leans his forehead down against hers. ]

I miss him, too, though.

[ He doesn't want to make this about himself - he wants her to know that it's not going to hurt him either. ]

[ She breathes out softly, squeezing her eyes shut, forcing herself to - try. To be okay. ]

I'm trying. I don't want him to be disappointed.

[ They've promised to be together in the future, haven't they? But what if he changes his mind? What if Jean does? There are so many other people here, so many - she bites her tongue, almost literally, forcing herself to breathe out. ]

I know he's upset, that I won't kiss him, that we're not together like that, but I... I can't.

[ He keeps stroking his hand through her hair as she talks. He's proud that she's able to verbalize some of her insecurity; he understands why she can't bring this to Eren, either. ]

And you shouldn't have to.

[ He considers what he knows that might be bothering her, and takes an educated guess. ]

He didn't... ask about other people because you wouldn't, you know.

[ She hasn’t cut her hair since she arrived here, and Jean’s fingers feel nice. Comforting. Has he noticed? Mikasa thinks he likes her hair, if the username he picked for her means anything.

There’s still a painful ache in her heart, though, and she sighs. ]

I know. He isn’t like that, and neither are you.

You're still worried about it, though.

[ 'It' not being the lack of sex, necessarily, but that they'll leave her for other people.

He has noticed her hair starting to grow longer again, and he likes it. The anti-personnel gear had necessitated even tighter hair restrictions, with the spools higher on their backs. He remembers noticing she'd cut and styled it even shorter with regret, even if she was just as beautiful as ever.

He drags his fingers down through her hair, then cups her cheek, hazel eyes looking at her. ]

[ She shakes her head, refusing to look at him. ]

You deserve to be happy.

[ That doesn’t mean she can’t have complicated feelings about it all, though. She’s spent her entire life being desperately and painfully in love with Eren, to the point of madness and near insanity, and she’d do anything for him. It’s the same for Jean now too - he’s equally as important to her, even if it might be different to how she feels for Eren.

She will never, ever stand between them and what they want.

An adjustment period though… She’s allowed that. Jealousy? It’s a familiar feeling, and with the ache inside her from talking about Eren’s death she simply feels it more keenly right now. ]

I am happy.

[ She predicts his exact next words with her I am happy. He'd offer to stop it, and convince Eren as well, if it was making her unhappy. He trusts that she means what she says, here, and he knows she needs adjustment.

It's part of why he hasn't told her who, exactly, he is dating. It was her request, and he respects it. ]

You deserve to be happy too.

[ He brushes a thumb over her cheek. ]

I really care about you, Mikasa.

[ He loves her; he's told her as much, but he doesn't want to add onto her complicated mix of feelings right now. He thinks she loves him, or is getting there; he's not going to prompt her about it today.

Sometimes, he understands how Eren decided to tear down the world. It's easy to want to, to keep her safe. ]

[ They’ve all been through so much in such a short time that it feels as if they’re never going to recover from it. Mikasa is better than she once was, she thinks, but she still has nightmares. She still wakes up and feels a rush of fear that Eren is gone, or that she’s lost Jean somehow. It’s never going to go away.

It’s why she keeps sparring with Levi. She had to be prepared.

Right now, however, she feels small, and strangely worthless, beaten down by her insecurities and the conversation with Dolph. Guilt still eats her alive, even if she thinks Eren understands why she is how she is.

None of this is fair. They should be happy. All of them have earned that. She is, overall, so much happier than she was. Her heart just aches. ]

I care about you too. [ More than that, but just like with Eren the words are too hard to say. ] I’m sorry.

You told me to show you when I wasn't doing okay.

[ She shouldn't apologize, is what he means. All of them have had nightmares that have startled one or both of them awake. Jean constantly keeps busy because it's the only thing that eases the feeling of creeping dread that winds its way up his spine if he's sedentary for too long.

He sleeps longer, since coming here, but still less than he should overall, waking early or intermittently. All of them lapse into moments of silence, prompted by strange reminders of their past, or potential futures.

Jean still wishes he could ease her aches through will alone. Instead, he shifts his other arm to squeeze her where he has it wrapped around her. ]

You're doing the same for me now, aren't you? It's okay to have bad days.

… Mhm.

[ It’s hard for Mikasa. She’s always been the strong one, the one who can handle anything, push and push and push herself because she has the ability to do it. She’s an Ackerman; she fights and pushes herself t the point where she could collapse under the weight of it all.

It means, of course, that when she breaks she breaks hard. Painfully.

Leaning into Jean, she sniffles, trying not to cry. She’s exhausted, and all of this with her conversation with Dolph has her feeling empty inside. She could never tell any of them that… They’d feel bad.

She feels bad. ]

I’m trying.

You are. You don't have to try any more right now though.

[ She can cry, she can do nothing but lay here with him - he's not giving her an out, no. He knows that her asking for his presence here is an improvement; she's not suffering in silence.

He shifts a hand to rub against her back, through the blankets she has wrapped round her. ]

[ Jean holds her, rubs her back, and she cracks a little, twisting to curl herself around his body as much as she can. She's a tangle of blankets and grief, but which one of them hasn't been so far?

Leaning up, she tucks herself against him as much as possible, drawing on his strength. A quiet part of her thinks she ought not to be relying on him so much, but at the same time... He offers.

Jean wouldn't let her fall. ]

Okay. [ It's hard, to let herself cry these days, but... ]

[ He lets her curl around him, doing his best to do the same to her. Not just his arms, but letting his legs rest over hers, where they're wrapped up in the blanket. He tucks his chin down against the top of her head - trying to be as much of a physical bulwark as he can be for her.

He indeed won't let her fall, letting his hands run up and down her spine, keeping her close. ]

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