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[Don't make him think about this now...With everything he's had on his mind lately, he's done fairly well not thinking about his mother. When he does - every single time - it feels like his chest is caving in. Bitter memories are easy, though. He only has to hate when it comes to those. Fond memories are harder; love with nowhere to go.]

A little roast usually. Potatoes too with actual butter. And something sweet, like quick bread made from fruit. That was really something rare.

We were better off than some families since my dad was a doctor, but we still didn't have much. No one did.

Come to think of it, they must have saved up for a while to afford all of that at once. I always complained about never having meat.

Guess she figured it really was a special occasion.

[Of course, to Carla Jaeger, there was no occasion more special than the birth of her son. Eren never really appreciated that. It's...hard to only start doing so now.]

[ Jean looks over the answer and oddly enough, he feels like he can understand how little they really had out in Shiganshina. He remembers complaining to his mother after the wall fell, about all the refugees, and the sad look on her face.

So many things he didn't understand, as a kid. Real loss, real famine, the cost of all the lives the government sent away to keep them fed - while hoarding their own wealth.

He knows Eren missing his mother will always be raw; four years after Marco, he feels like the wound is still open. And, as much as he loves Marco, that still isn't the same as losing your mother to the Titans. ]

I can make something like that, for your birthday. If you're okay with me doing that, I mean.

Edited 2024-02-06 20:05 (UTC)

[Oh...

[All at once, Eren is grateful that they're only texting. Not that Jean hasn't seen the exact look that's on his face right now a hundred times since coming here, but still. Fuck. He feels like he's just been kicked in the gut.

[It wouldn't be the same, really. Nothing tastes quite like the food your mother used to make. Here, it would probably be too good, the ingredients too high quality, and Jean's keen sense for cooking too impressive. Would he try to fancy it up like he does? Put his own spin on things? Would that be such a bad thing?

[It's a gesture of love, just the same way it was from his mother. Isn't that what really matters? But it's not her. Jean won't have to save up for it. It's really not the same at all...]

I don't remember quite how she did it. Never helped much, even though I was supposed to.

[Fuck, but it hurts.]

Mikasa might know.

[...]

I'd be okay with that.

[ No, it won't be the same as Eren's mother making it; Jean knows this very well. He will, at least, try not to put his own spin on it; he's already talked to Erwin about the kinds of spices each of the areas had access to. The meat won't be the same, and it won't be his mother's table.

It matters, to Jean, to try to do something nice for Eren. It matters that Eren lets him. ]

Okay. I'll see if I can get something together.

[ They should move off this subject, shouldn't they? ]

I'll pick out some recipes for Mikasa. Come take a look when you feel up to it.

Are you back at the cottage now?

Edited (no home here) 2024-02-17 01:37 (UTC)

I am. Figured I'd crack into the cookbook.

[Just another one of those days where Eren's been holed up in his room so long he barely notices anything else going on.

[His bedroom door creeks open, and out comes Eren, clad in a black hoodie and some sweatpants. He exits the room with his hands in his pockets, simply butting his head against Jean's chest in lieu of putting his arms around him.]

[ In Eren's defense, Jean generally tries to be quiet about his comings and goings. He would have checked up on Eren shortly, anyway, but he asked before Jean could entertain the thought.

He knows what that headbutt to his chest means, though, and he wraps his arms around Eren with a slight chuckle. ]

Hey, sleepyhead.

[One thing about Eren Jaeger: he knows how to sleep. He texted Jean as soon as he was conscious again - so, yeah, his hair is a little messed up, his body heavy, groggy. He grumbles against Jean's chest, but it's nothing important. Two arms wrap back around the taller man.

[If he doesn't get a kiss on the top of his head right now--]

[ Jean leans down to press a kiss to the top of that messed up hair. What a little grumpy gremlin his boyfriend is. He raises a hand to brush back some of the hair, taming the worst of the cowlicks and tangles with his fingers. ]

Dinner's an experiment tonight, sorry.

[ Ratatouille sounds like an interesting dish. ]

[Muffled:]

All you think about is food.

[HYPOCRISY, THEY NAME IS EREN JAEGER.]

Look who's talking.

[ He calls him on it! But, because he likes him: ]

I got some fresh strawberries for dessert, too.

[Music to his ears, honestly. Cakes and cookies and things like that taste good, but the sugar overload is far too much for day-to-day eating. Eren's always been fond of strawberries.

[Still, his mind is on other things - the food his mother used to make, and Jean's offer to let Eren taste it again...

[His chest feels tight with emotion, and he tilts his head up, then bring his palms to cup Jean's cheeks. Green eyes search in golden brown. He pulls Jean down for a kiss. It's the best way he knows how to say, "Thank you."]

[ Jean has a bit more of a sweet tooth, but even he can't stand having pastries around all the time. He prefers the varieties of fresh fruit, overall.

Eren lifts his head to look at Jean; it's an expression Jean can almost read, searching for understanding in Jean's expression. When he's tugged down for a proper kiss, he goes with it. He lets his eyes flutter closed, pressing his lips against Eren's.

It's always bittersweet, for Jean. He wishes he'd been brave enough to kiss him like this when he was younger. He wishes he'd spoken up sooner, before that party in Marley. He's still happy to be here with this Eren, though. ]

[Eren's thoughts echo Jean's, and surprisingly, he doesn't try to hide them; he trusts him.]

Almost wish we coulda done that sooner...

If we'd been less stubborn, maybe we would have.

[ He has to include both of them; Jean for choosing to ignore his own feelings, Eren for being so focused on his goal. He runs his fingers through Eren's hair again. ]

But we wouldn't be us if we made things easy for each other, yeah?

[Eren's not so sure about that. Jean sure seems to make things easier for him these days...Eren's grateful for that. Somewhere, he's aware that he can't exactly say the same for himself...]

I know...I'm not the me you remember...[Here we go again...]

You're not the you I remember either, but...

I...like it this way. [He loves him...] Maybe it's how it had to be.

We're still Eren and Jean. Even if we're different versions.

[ Maybe Eren doesn't want to think of himself as capable of being the man he is in the future, Jean suspects. In the end, though, they're still the same sort of people they've always been. ]

I like you this way. I like being able to feel... strong enough to protect you.

[There are plenty of things Eren might say. "I don't need you to protect me," or "I can take care of myself." Some jab at how he'll always be stronger than Jean, or...something like that.

[Eren's not always good admitting the truth, but deep down he knows it; nothing here has made him feel safer than the arms he's wrapped in now. How many nights as he spent curled up on Jean's lap, just trying to make it through to the next moment?

[They tied those wristbands on each other for a reason...

[He puts his head back down, turning it so his ear is pressed up against Jean's heartbeat.]

Thanks...

[That's all. That's it. Thanks. For everything.

[He loves him. He loves him. He loves him.]

[ This time, Jean verbalizes what Eren doesn't. ]

I love you.

[ It means a lot of things - you don't need to thank me for this. An acknowledgement that Eren can take care of himself, but that Jean loves him and, therefore, wants to keep him safe.

He reaches a hand up to brush through Eren's hair, letting him lean into Jean's chest and listen to his heartbeat. He does love him, painfully so. Even if it bloodies him now or later to do so, he can't stop. ]

["I love you." It rushes over him in a wave of warmth - nothing out of the usual, when Jean says those three words.

[Eren believes him.]

Yeah...you do. I know.

Me too...Jean...

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we can wrap soon I just wanted to get this in here