neighsaying | inbox | labyrinthum

I didn't know they had pottery classes here, actually. What kind of stuff did they have him making?

I think he was learning on his own.

[ another quiet pause. ]

Last month, I got him a kiln. So he could practice more. He looked happy then.

He was happy. I don't think he went home out of choice, if I had to guess.

[ Knowing their time is limited, Jean wouldn't choose to go home. ]

[ dolph falls silent for a moment. ]

I'm not sure. Livio had a lot of guilt. He wanted to go back. See if there was more he could do.

[ his guilt, his desire for atonement was always stronger than any feelings he could have for dolph. just like how alex's feelings for revolution was stronger. in the end, what could he do against that? ]

[ It makes her feel a certain way, knowing that he's also been thinking about it, that he's considered it - the meaning behind that. They sleep together enough that she's been conscious of him so close to her this entire time, but it's only when they've been allowed to be alone that she's let her mind wander.

Jean's skin, his warm body, flushed, his touch, his fingers exploring... It makes her red even now, cheeks flaring to life.

Leaning in, she hums against his skin, her voice quiet, muffled. ]

You. And doing it again. Maybe doing more, this time.

[ He's thought about it before, what she'd sound like if he was allowed to keep touching her, or how she might act if he used his mouth on her. He tries not to think about it when they're together, but it's hard not to. She's gorgeous, whether she's asleep against him or training.

He lets out a small breath. ]

I'd really like that, Mikasa. I want to find out what makes you feel good.

[Ah. Well, he shifts a little bit, running his fingers through Dolph's hair. ]

He was just that kind of guy, then... Loving someone like that, it's hard.

[ He should know. ]

Yeah.

I get it, even if the only thing I wanted was to be loved. To love and live.

I think that's what most people want. It's what I want.

[ His voice is soft. ]

I don't think you're wrong for wanting that. I don't think you won't ever get it, even if it feels like you won't.

[ his fingers brush against jean's bracelet for a moment. and he lets it go. instead dolph leans against jean. there are no happy endings for us, alex said once. he meant under eden, in the world they lived in.

but he wonders if alex fundamentally thought they just couldn't. had dolph not done enough? had he not loved him enough? and what of livio? couldn't he extinguish the guilt just for a little while?

there are no answers when someone's gone. ]

Tell me what you want.

[ The dead do not speak, and will remain silent. ]

It's not so different than you... I want someone to choose me over everyone else. Over their desire for revenge, or safety and duty, or someone else.

[ oh. he cradles jean's face for a moment, soaking it in. ]

. . . I want that too. More than anything.

Me too... For you.

[ She's embarrassed now, a little shy, but her hands run down his body to rest at his waist gently, squeezing absently as she kisses his skin, absent markers of affection. ]

I keep thinking about how lovely you looked.

[ His cheeks flush a little bit; he knows he looks good, as much as the horse-face comments can smart from time to time. Hearing her say that he looked lovely, though, still makes him go soft and squirmy inside.

She's trying, for his sake, he knows that. ]

Mikasa...

[ She has him at a loss for words, for a moment, and he ducks down to press a kiss to her mouth, gentle and chaste. ]

I could say the same about you.

[ He closes his eyes. Here, he finally admits something. ]

Here, I have what I want. At home... I was alone. Eren is gone forever, and she left us.

[ He wasn't, of course, truly alone; he has Connie, and Levi, Armin and Reiner and Annie. But it isn't the same as the two people he loved so much he would have accepted anything they could give him.

He tries not to be bitter about that. He knows Mikasa needs time, needs to mourn; how can she face the people who will hate Eren for the rest of his life?

But she still left them alone. ]

[ he wonders then and he can't help but ask. ]

If you have it all . . . do you still want me?

[ It's a fair question, though it does makes Jean open his eyes, looking at Dolph worriedly. Then he smiles, a little, and reaches up to curl his hands against Dolph's face, mirroring him. ]

I didn't say I had it all. Just what I wanted back home. I don't want to give you up either, and maybe that makes me selfish, but I don't care.

[ Let him be selfish, for once. ]

I wouldn't trade you for something or someone else at all.

[ that's what he needed to hear and he relaxes slowly, pressing a kiss to the pulse point on jean's wrist. ]

Neither would I.

[ He sighs softly. ]

I know I can't make promises about whether or not we'll end up back at home. But I'm not Alex, or Livio. You're important to me and no offer is going to change that.

Maybe it's better not to make promises.

[ he's not sure he could take it anyway. too many broken promises. ]

[ Jean smiles a little bit. ]

Then I'm just telling you - I'll choose you, if I get a choice.

[ dolph cradles his face before leaning in to kiss him softly. ]

[ Leaning up, she presses into the kiss, soft and gentle, closing her eyes as her hands rest gently on his chest. Her heart feels a little too warm, but... ]

I know I don't have a lot of experience, but I want to try for you.

[ He knows more than she does, doesn't he? So... ]

I trust you.

[ He knows none of this is about what someone deserves, but really - what did he do right to deserve her? Jean smiles against her lips. ]

I trust you too.

[ He pulls himself together - taking a small breath, fingers curled against her sides. ]

I'll show you what I want to do. And if you want anything else - to go faster or slow down, to stop, more or less - just tell me, okay? Because most of all, I want you to feel good.

[ He knows she's on the defensive compared to him. He knows she can be shy, too, so he wants to ensure if she does want something changed, she'll speak up.

Once he's told her, though, he shifts them so that her back is to the bed, and he can lean down and kiss her again. This time it's hungry, eager - not holding himself back. ]

[ Mikasa nods her head, determined, set.

This isn't the same as going to war, and she's well versed in that. She could lift a sword and cut down any enemy that stood in their way without hesitation, no pause beyond a moment of consideration for the loss of life. Killing Titans was easier, because they were a threat to everything she held dear.

Doing something like this is brand new, and she doesn't know what to expect. There's no Ackerman instinct that prepares her for the right thing to do in a moment of intimacy, and so she lets Jean guide her, move her back, shift her body. She could have him pinned in a moment, but she resists the urge.

She finds it easier to focus on the kiss, on pressing her mouth to Jean's, this something familiar, something that she knows how to do. Her arms wrap around him, and she breathes out words between kisses. ]

I'll say. If I need it.

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