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[neighsaying]

INBOX (UN: OMNIDIRECTIONAL) text / audio / video / action This is Jean. Leave a message, and I'll reach back out when I'm available. [ Previously was thunderspear ] code credit

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[laserhawk]

I had to stop him. I wasn't even sure I recognized him in the end.

[ alex knew dolph would kill him. he had smiled right in the end. after all he won. hate was stronger than love. ]

I was so angry. And then he was . . . gone.

[ the absence had cut him so cleanly. dolph gave up then. what was the point, without alex? without love? ]

[neighsaying]

And even though it was the 'right thing to do' you feel empty afterwards. There's no joy.

[ He is trying his best to be comforting when he says it. ]

[laserhawk]

[ he nods slowly. ]

It was like I was emptied out.

[neighsaying]

[ Jean doesn't say anything to that. That's how he felt, realizing they'd had to kill Eren. When he realized that Mikasa had left them alone as well. He had people, though - Armin, and Connie, even Reiner and Annie, and Captain Levi.

Did Dolph have anyone? It didn't sound like he did, if Alex was the person who cared about him. He shifts his head a little to press a kiss to Dolph's forehead, instead. ]

[laserhawk]

[ he softens at that. alex was the only person. he never had anyone else. and when he tried, they betrayed him or died. dying was victorious, his one moment of agency.

but it was also lonely. ]

Livio was . . . a lot like me. He also had implants. He was also used.

[ he had also loved someone who used him. ]

[neighsaying]

I never ... got the chance to meet him. But everyone I know who did said he was a nice guy. Sweet to your sour?

[ Just a little light teasing in Jean's voice there. ]

[laserhawk]

[ he chuckles softly. ]

He was sweet. And shy. It was strange . . . being the more experienced one for once.

[neighsaying]

[ Jean can't help but smirk a little bit to himself with that comment. He knows he's younger than Dolph, but he at least has the benefit of some experience with others. ]

Cute, considering sweet and shy's how I think of you.

[ He's picturing an "and they were both bottoms" situation. ]

[laserhawk]

[ his cheeks darken. ]

I'm hardly that.

[neighsaying]

You're literally blushing right now.

[ As if that makes his point, when it actually doesn't. He leans in to kiss the tip of Dolph's nose and then settles back. ]

What did he like to do here?

[laserhawk]

[ he ducks his head a little, sheepish. ]

He was finding new hobbies, like me. He picked up pottery.

[neighsaying]

I didn't know they had pottery classes here, actually. What kind of stuff did they have him making?

[laserhawk]

I think he was learning on his own.

[ another quiet pause. ]

Last month, I got him a kiln. So he could practice more. He looked happy then.

[neighsaying]

He was happy. I don't think he went home out of choice, if I had to guess.

[ Knowing their time is limited, Jean wouldn't choose to go home. ]

[laserhawk]

[ dolph falls silent for a moment. ]

I'm not sure. Livio had a lot of guilt. He wanted to go back. See if there was more he could do.

[ his guilt, his desire for atonement was always stronger than any feelings he could have for dolph. just like how alex's feelings for revolution was stronger. in the end, what could he do against that? ]

[neighsaying]

[Ah. Well, he shifts a little bit, running his fingers through Dolph's hair. ]

He was just that kind of guy, then... Loving someone like that, it's hard.

[ He should know. ]

[laserhawk]

Yeah.

I get it, even if the only thing I wanted was to be loved. To love and live.

[neighsaying]

I think that's what most people want. It's what I want.

[ His voice is soft. ]

I don't think you're wrong for wanting that. I don't think you won't ever get it, even if it feels like you won't.

[laserhawk]

[ his fingers brush against jean's bracelet for a moment. and he lets it go. instead dolph leans against jean. there are no happy endings for us, alex said once. he meant under eden, in the world they lived in.

but he wonders if alex fundamentally thought they just couldn't. had dolph not done enough? had he not loved him enough? and what of livio? couldn't he extinguish the guilt just for a little while?

there are no answers when someone's gone. ]

Tell me what you want.

[neighsaying]

[ The dead do not speak, and will remain silent. ]

It's not so different than you... I want someone to choose me over everyone else. Over their desire for revenge, or safety and duty, or someone else.

[laserhawk]

[ oh. he cradles jean's face for a moment, soaking it in. ]

. . . I want that too. More than anything.

[neighsaying]

[ He closes his eyes. Here, he finally admits something. ]

Here, I have what I want. At home... I was alone. Eren is gone forever, and she left us.

[ He wasn't, of course, truly alone; he has Connie, and Levi, Armin and Reiner and Annie. But it isn't the same as the two people he loved so much he would have accepted anything they could give him.

He tries not to be bitter about that. He knows Mikasa needs time, needs to mourn; how can she face the people who will hate Eren for the rest of his life?

But she still left them alone. ]

[laserhawk]

[ he wonders then and he can't help but ask. ]

If you have it all . . . do you still want me?

[neighsaying]

[ It's a fair question, though it does makes Jean open his eyes, looking at Dolph worriedly. Then he smiles, a little, and reaches up to curl his hands against Dolph's face, mirroring him. ]

I didn't say I had it all. Just what I wanted back home. I don't want to give you up either, and maybe that makes me selfish, but I don't care.

[ Let him be selfish, for once. ]

I wouldn't trade you for something or someone else at all.

[laserhawk]

[ that's what he needed to hear and he relaxes slowly, pressing a kiss to the pulse point on jean's wrist. ]

Neither would I.