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It was . . . the safest I had ever been. I didn't know how warm it could be, wrapped in someone's arms.

[ and once he had that, it was the only thing dolph ever wanted. for alex to hold him, forever and ever. if alex had asked him to sacrifice himself for that, he probably would have. in a heartbeat. or an arm and an eye.

but he didn't. dolph sometimes wonders why. ]

He fucked it up. He chose that. He didn't choose me.

Edited 2024-03-16 09:46 (UTC)

[ It works out that as Dolph is talking about being wrapped in someone's arms, Jean is tugging him down onto the bed. He does exactly that once Dolph gets himself situated; he wraps his arms around him, giving him what he's aching for right now.

It's not the same, and Jean knows that. Mikasa and Eren, Dolph, will never feel the same as Marco hugging him again. It can be good enough, though. ]

I still don't know how he could...

[ Jean shakes his head, a little. ]

I don't know either.

[ it's still confusing, even now. were there signs, was there something he missed? or was alex always like that and dolph had just not seen it? either way, it's a circuitous thought that offers no reprieve. alex is dead. no amount of love or regret will bring him back. ]

I think he just didn't believe we could make it. Or he saw how others suffered under Eden, like I had, and it was too much to bear.

[ Jean holds Dolph a little tighter. ]

I guess I could see that side of it...

[ The reluctance in his voice speaks to how he feels about it, though. ]

[ he smiles faintly. ]

You don't have to agree with it. I didn't. He crossed a line and he had to be stopped.

I'm trying not to be an ass to you about him. You still cared even if you had to stop him.

[ Ugh, something they have in common. His fingers tap against Dolph's back. ]

I know ... what that's like, killing someone you care about.

I had to stop him. I wasn't even sure I recognized him in the end.

[ alex knew dolph would kill him. he had smiled right in the end. after all he won. hate was stronger than love. ]

I was so angry. And then he was . . . gone.

[ the absence had cut him so cleanly. dolph gave up then. what was the point, without alex? without love? ]

And even though it was the 'right thing to do' you feel empty afterwards. There's no joy.

[ He is trying his best to be comforting when he says it. ]

[ he nods slowly. ]

It was like I was emptied out.

[ Jean doesn't say anything to that. That's how he felt, realizing they'd had to kill Eren. When he realized that Mikasa had left them alone as well. He had people, though - Armin, and Connie, even Reiner and Annie, and Captain Levi.

Did Dolph have anyone? It didn't sound like he did, if Alex was the person who cared about him. He shifts his head a little to press a kiss to Dolph's forehead, instead. ]

[ he softens at that. alex was the only person. he never had anyone else. and when he tried, they betrayed him or died. dying was victorious, his one moment of agency.

but it was also lonely. ]

Livio was . . . a lot like me. He also had implants. He was also used.

[ he had also loved someone who used him. ]

I never ... got the chance to meet him. But everyone I know who did said he was a nice guy. Sweet to your sour?

[ Just a little light teasing in Jean's voice there. ]

[ he chuckles softly. ]

He was sweet. And shy. It was strange . . . being the more experienced one for once.

[ Jean can't help but smirk a little bit to himself with that comment. He knows he's younger than Dolph, but he at least has the benefit of some experience with others. ]

Cute, considering sweet and shy's how I think of you.

[ He's picturing an "and they were both bottoms" situation. ]

[ his cheeks darken. ]

I'm hardly that.

You're literally blushing right now.

[ As if that makes his point, when it actually doesn't. He leans in to kiss the tip of Dolph's nose and then settles back. ]

What did he like to do here?

[ he ducks his head a little, sheepish. ]

He was finding new hobbies, like me. He picked up pottery.

I didn't know they had pottery classes here, actually. What kind of stuff did they have him making?

I think he was learning on his own.

[ another quiet pause. ]

Last month, I got him a kiln. So he could practice more. He looked happy then.

He was happy. I don't think he went home out of choice, if I had to guess.

[ Knowing their time is limited, Jean wouldn't choose to go home. ]

[ dolph falls silent for a moment. ]

I'm not sure. Livio had a lot of guilt. He wanted to go back. See if there was more he could do.

[ his guilt, his desire for atonement was always stronger than any feelings he could have for dolph. just like how alex's feelings for revolution was stronger. in the end, what could he do against that? ]

[Ah. Well, he shifts a little bit, running his fingers through Dolph's hair. ]

He was just that kind of guy, then... Loving someone like that, it's hard.

[ He should know. ]

Yeah.

I get it, even if the only thing I wanted was to be loved. To love and live.

I think that's what most people want. It's what I want.

[ His voice is soft. ]

I don't think you're wrong for wanting that. I don't think you won't ever get it, even if it feels like you won't.

[ his fingers brush against jean's bracelet for a moment. and he lets it go. instead dolph leans against jean. there are no happy endings for us, alex said once. he meant under eden, in the world they lived in.

but he wonders if alex fundamentally thought they just couldn't. had dolph not done enough? had he not loved him enough? and what of livio? couldn't he extinguish the guilt just for a little while?

there are no answers when someone's gone. ]

Tell me what you want.

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