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[ Maybe it's better that he wasn't looking directly at Dolph when he tells him this. Dolph can probably feel the way Jean's body stiffens, reacting to hearing this.

Dolph isn't from the same world as him. And yet... he too, is a dead man living on borrowed time. Like Eren, like Erwin, and like Hange. ]

... You got the bastard for sure?

I was right in front of her.

[ dolph doesn't want to consider she might have survived. she couldn't have. but if she did, it would break him. he couldn't save bullfrog. he killed alex. this was the only thing he could do, the only agency left to him.

he can't afford to consider the if of it. ]

Livio and I . . . we were the same that way. Neither of us were sure of our outcome, just that — there was an end, waiting back for us.

But he went anyway.

[ It's not fair - it never is. It never feels any easier to deal with. Eren's death, how close his own came, now Dolph's. If this place is an afterlife, it feels almost cruel.

He curls his fingers over the back of Dolph's neck. ]

We can't ... we can't promise anyone that we'll stay here forever. One day I could wake up and you'll be gone, or Eren will, and I... I'm selfish. I want whatever time we can have here.

[ oh. a part of dolph softens at that. he raises his head to look at jean. ]

I don't think it's selfish.

[ it's true they can't make promises. and dolph wouldn't ask of it. he's had promises before. from alex. promises of love, promises of time, promises of the future. promises, linked hand in hand. promises alex meant, promises alex broke, promises he couldn't keep. ]

Or if it is, then be as selfish as you want.

[ Jean has made one promise he can't keep, and it's to Eren. It's this exact thing; that Eren would stay here with him and not let the future come to pass. He wants to believe it's something that can happen.

He knows better.

When Dolph raises his head Jean shifts a little to look at him. He looks distraught, of course - anyone would be hearing someone they cared about is dead, by their own hand - but he's not crying, at least.

He curls his hands around Dolph's face again. ]

I'm sorry he's gone but - at least you had time together, with Livio. Sometimes we never get the chance at all.

[ his expression crumples at that admission and he leans closer to press his forehead against jean's. ]

I really thought — for a moment — that I could love again.

[ Jean closes his eyes, letting their foreheads lean together. ]

You can't... you shouldn't be afraid of falling again. You'll just be alone. As bad as it hurts to lose him, it means it was real.

I lost him. I lost Alex.

[ and as terrible as alex was, without him, would dolph know love at all? and he's afraid that deep down, the nature of his love was the same as alex's. torrid and poisoned. it's not and he knows it intellectually. but the grief in his bones is crying today.

he wasn't ready. he'll never be ready. he has to hope. he's so tired. he wants a life and a future. he's already interred. it's so much to reconcile. ]

Can I be with you today? Please?

Yeah - of course.

[ Jean kind of doesn't want to let him go, if he's honest. Not now, not knowing that if he disappears that it's it for Dolph.

Jean naturally doesn't like what he knows of Alex, but just this once, as he leads Dolph towards his bedroom - the one that isn't shared - he looks at him softly. ]

Do you want to tell me more about them? Both of them.

Of course.

[ a brief pause. ]

I suppose it's fair to start with Alex. When I escaped Eden, I was on my own. I had no allies. And that's when I found him. He saved me.

[ another minute hesitation. ]

I don't think I would have known what a home or love was . . . if Alex hadn't been there.

[ He shifts to hold Dolph's hands to lead him into the room. It's less lived in than the rest of the house. There's still touches of Jean around the room - a bar of soap, a straight razor and shaving cream, an abandoned uniform - but it's less lived in, overall.

He still urges Dolph towards the bed, listening to him. The familiar bite that what Alex gave him wasn't love - he thinks back to it was real, if you want it to be, and holds his tongue. ]

He gave you someplace safe. A home.

It was . . . the safest I had ever been. I didn't know how warm it could be, wrapped in someone's arms.

[ and once he had that, it was the only thing dolph ever wanted. for alex to hold him, forever and ever. if alex had asked him to sacrifice himself for that, he probably would have. in a heartbeat. or an arm and an eye.

but he didn't. dolph sometimes wonders why. ]

He fucked it up. He chose that. He didn't choose me.

Edited 2024-03-16 09:46 (UTC)

[ It works out that as Dolph is talking about being wrapped in someone's arms, Jean is tugging him down onto the bed. He does exactly that once Dolph gets himself situated; he wraps his arms around him, giving him what he's aching for right now.

It's not the same, and Jean knows that. Mikasa and Eren, Dolph, will never feel the same as Marco hugging him again. It can be good enough, though. ]

I still don't know how he could...

[ Jean shakes his head, a little. ]

I don't know either.

[ it's still confusing, even now. were there signs, was there something he missed? or was alex always like that and dolph had just not seen it? either way, it's a circuitous thought that offers no reprieve. alex is dead. no amount of love or regret will bring him back. ]

I think he just didn't believe we could make it. Or he saw how others suffered under Eden, like I had, and it was too much to bear.

[ Jean holds Dolph a little tighter. ]

I guess I could see that side of it...

[ The reluctance in his voice speaks to how he feels about it, though. ]

[ he smiles faintly. ]

You don't have to agree with it. I didn't. He crossed a line and he had to be stopped.

I'm trying not to be an ass to you about him. You still cared even if you had to stop him.

[ Ugh, something they have in common. His fingers tap against Dolph's back. ]

I know ... what that's like, killing someone you care about.

I had to stop him. I wasn't even sure I recognized him in the end.

[ alex knew dolph would kill him. he had smiled right in the end. after all he won. hate was stronger than love. ]

I was so angry. And then he was . . . gone.

[ the absence had cut him so cleanly. dolph gave up then. what was the point, without alex? without love? ]

And even though it was the 'right thing to do' you feel empty afterwards. There's no joy.

[ He is trying his best to be comforting when he says it. ]

[ he nods slowly. ]

It was like I was emptied out.

[ Jean doesn't say anything to that. That's how he felt, realizing they'd had to kill Eren. When he realized that Mikasa had left them alone as well. He had people, though - Armin, and Connie, even Reiner and Annie, and Captain Levi.

Did Dolph have anyone? It didn't sound like he did, if Alex was the person who cared about him. He shifts his head a little to press a kiss to Dolph's forehead, instead. ]

[ he softens at that. alex was the only person. he never had anyone else. and when he tried, they betrayed him or died. dying was victorious, his one moment of agency.

but it was also lonely. ]

Livio was . . . a lot like me. He also had implants. He was also used.

[ he had also loved someone who used him. ]

I never ... got the chance to meet him. But everyone I know who did said he was a nice guy. Sweet to your sour?

[ Just a little light teasing in Jean's voice there. ]

[ he chuckles softly. ]

He was sweet. And shy. It was strange . . . being the more experienced one for once.

[ Jean can't help but smirk a little bit to himself with that comment. He knows he's younger than Dolph, but he at least has the benefit of some experience with others. ]

Cute, considering sweet and shy's how I think of you.

[ He's picturing an "and they were both bottoms" situation. ]

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