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[ he nods, despite himself. ]

I just needed to know you were still here.

[ Still here. He doesn't know who it is that left - not that it was one of Dolph's other partners. Instead, his expression softens, finally unlocking the front door. ]

I'm sorry.

[ Whomever it was, they must have been close. He tugs Dolph inside. ]

Who...?

. . . Livio.

Livio is gone.

[ He never had the luck to meet Livio face to face but he knows of him enough. His expression goes from soft to worried, putting the keys back into his pocket to raise both hands to cup Dolph's face, metal and flesh.

He could offer apologies again but nothing will make this better. Instead he tugs gently so Dolph can rest his head on his shoulder if he wants. ]

[ dolph lets him. for a moment his arms don't move but they tentatively rise up to clutch at jean's clothes, bunching up the fabric between his fingers. ]

There's . . . something I have to tell you.

I'm listening. Whatever you need.

[ He doesn't pull back, though, intent on shouldering this as long as he can. ]

Someone put a bomb in my head. To control me.

[ before it wasn't hard. he came to terms with it, he thought. of all the things in his life, at least he could pick this.

but it's harder than he thought. painful, even. ]

I fought an army and won, but I was on my last legs. And there was someone I had to defeat. So I found her.

And I triggered the bomb.

[ Maybe it's better that he wasn't looking directly at Dolph when he tells him this. Dolph can probably feel the way Jean's body stiffens, reacting to hearing this.

Dolph isn't from the same world as him. And yet... he too, is a dead man living on borrowed time. Like Eren, like Erwin, and like Hange. ]

... You got the bastard for sure?

I was right in front of her.

[ dolph doesn't want to consider she might have survived. she couldn't have. but if she did, it would break him. he couldn't save bullfrog. he killed alex. this was the only thing he could do, the only agency left to him.

he can't afford to consider the if of it. ]

Livio and I . . . we were the same that way. Neither of us were sure of our outcome, just that — there was an end, waiting back for us.

But he went anyway.

[ It's not fair - it never is. It never feels any easier to deal with. Eren's death, how close his own came, now Dolph's. If this place is an afterlife, it feels almost cruel.

He curls his fingers over the back of Dolph's neck. ]

We can't ... we can't promise anyone that we'll stay here forever. One day I could wake up and you'll be gone, or Eren will, and I... I'm selfish. I want whatever time we can have here.

[ oh. a part of dolph softens at that. he raises his head to look at jean. ]

I don't think it's selfish.

[ it's true they can't make promises. and dolph wouldn't ask of it. he's had promises before. from alex. promises of love, promises of time, promises of the future. promises, linked hand in hand. promises alex meant, promises alex broke, promises he couldn't keep. ]

Or if it is, then be as selfish as you want.

[ Jean has made one promise he can't keep, and it's to Eren. It's this exact thing; that Eren would stay here with him and not let the future come to pass. He wants to believe it's something that can happen.

He knows better.

When Dolph raises his head Jean shifts a little to look at him. He looks distraught, of course - anyone would be hearing someone they cared about is dead, by their own hand - but he's not crying, at least.

He curls his hands around Dolph's face again. ]

I'm sorry he's gone but - at least you had time together, with Livio. Sometimes we never get the chance at all.

[ his expression crumples at that admission and he leans closer to press his forehead against jean's. ]

I really thought — for a moment — that I could love again.

[ Jean closes his eyes, letting their foreheads lean together. ]

You can't... you shouldn't be afraid of falling again. You'll just be alone. As bad as it hurts to lose him, it means it was real.

I lost him. I lost Alex.

[ and as terrible as alex was, without him, would dolph know love at all? and he's afraid that deep down, the nature of his love was the same as alex's. torrid and poisoned. it's not and he knows it intellectually. but the grief in his bones is crying today.

he wasn't ready. he'll never be ready. he has to hope. he's so tired. he wants a life and a future. he's already interred. it's so much to reconcile. ]

Can I be with you today? Please?

Yeah - of course.

[ Jean kind of doesn't want to let him go, if he's honest. Not now, not knowing that if he disappears that it's it for Dolph.

Jean naturally doesn't like what he knows of Alex, but just this once, as he leads Dolph towards his bedroom - the one that isn't shared - he looks at him softly. ]

Do you want to tell me more about them? Both of them.

Of course.

[ a brief pause. ]

I suppose it's fair to start with Alex. When I escaped Eden, I was on my own. I had no allies. And that's when I found him. He saved me.

[ another minute hesitation. ]

I don't think I would have known what a home or love was . . . if Alex hadn't been there.

[ He shifts to hold Dolph's hands to lead him into the room. It's less lived in than the rest of the house. There's still touches of Jean around the room - a bar of soap, a straight razor and shaving cream, an abandoned uniform - but it's less lived in, overall.

He still urges Dolph towards the bed, listening to him. The familiar bite that what Alex gave him wasn't love - he thinks back to it was real, if you want it to be, and holds his tongue. ]

He gave you someplace safe. A home.

It was . . . the safest I had ever been. I didn't know how warm it could be, wrapped in someone's arms.

[ and once he had that, it was the only thing dolph ever wanted. for alex to hold him, forever and ever. if alex had asked him to sacrifice himself for that, he probably would have. in a heartbeat. or an arm and an eye.

but he didn't. dolph sometimes wonders why. ]

He fucked it up. He chose that. He didn't choose me.

Edited 2024-03-16 09:46 (UTC)

[ It works out that as Dolph is talking about being wrapped in someone's arms, Jean is tugging him down onto the bed. He does exactly that once Dolph gets himself situated; he wraps his arms around him, giving him what he's aching for right now.

It's not the same, and Jean knows that. Mikasa and Eren, Dolph, will never feel the same as Marco hugging him again. It can be good enough, though. ]

I still don't know how he could...

[ Jean shakes his head, a little. ]

I don't know either.

[ it's still confusing, even now. were there signs, was there something he missed? or was alex always like that and dolph had just not seen it? either way, it's a circuitous thought that offers no reprieve. alex is dead. no amount of love or regret will bring him back. ]

I think he just didn't believe we could make it. Or he saw how others suffered under Eden, like I had, and it was too much to bear.

[ Jean holds Dolph a little tighter. ]

I guess I could see that side of it...

[ The reluctance in his voice speaks to how he feels about it, though. ]

[ he smiles faintly. ]

You don't have to agree with it. I didn't. He crossed a line and he had to be stopped.

I'm trying not to be an ass to you about him. You still cared even if you had to stop him.

[ Ugh, something they have in common. His fingers tap against Dolph's back. ]

I know ... what that's like, killing someone you care about.

I had to stop him. I wasn't even sure I recognized him in the end.

[ alex knew dolph would kill him. he had smiled right in the end. after all he won. hate was stronger than love. ]

I was so angry. And then he was . . . gone.

[ the absence had cut him so cleanly. dolph gave up then. what was the point, without alex? without love? ]

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